I consider myself a very blessed man in a number of ways. This blog has become one of my great blessings. One of the reasons I love this blog community is the variety of people who interact on it. There has been an increase in the number of people who aren’t Christians who comment on various posts. I want to share with you the perspective of one young woman on how she views Christians. These comments come directly from her comments on some of my posts. They have not been changed.
On Being Selfish, Not Really Interested in Others
I remember a rather outspoken evangelical Christian young woman I worked with – I’d just moved to town, and we went to a movie together. Each week she invited me to her church, and I didn’t want to offend her by saying “No thanks.” As it was, I had Buddhist activities one Sunday and I was mentoring a young girl two other Sundays, but that theoretically left a Sunday open. We only worked together for 3 months, and it never worked out. I went to a different job.
She showed up there one night, and jumped right to the church invite. No “Hey, how’ve you been? Haven’t seen you in a while!” Nope – just “Do you want to come to church with me this weekend?” Since I was on to her game, I decided to play. I said, “Sure, I’ll go to church with you, because I’m interested in seeing what you’re interested in. That’s what friends do, after all. And I’m sure you’ll want to come with me to a Buddhist meeting to see what I’m interested in, right?”
“Oh no!” she replied. “I just love the Lord so much!”
“Well,” I said, “then there’s no point in me going to your church because I’m not interested in either becoming a Christian or joining your church.” I never saw her again.
That’s how far Christian friendship extends – I’ve seen it over and over and over. Christians look at everyone else as if they’ve got targets painted on their foreheads. Nobody likes being hunted down or treated like someone else’s project. We don’t need to drop all our beliefs just to accept yours, and we don’t need to become more like you just to be acceptable people, worthy of being regarded as people instead of targets. Love does not seek to create clones of itself. Selfishness does.
On Being Self-centered and Judgmental
Keep your religious beliefs to yourself. If I have any interest in what you believe, I’ll ask you. And if I don’t ask you, then go right ahead and assume that your “witnessing” will be unwelcome. I’m sure that you like whatever you believe very much, and I’m very happy that you like it. However, just as your favorite flavor of ice cream is not necessarily going to be mine, I wish you would assume that I’m just as content with my own beliefs (or lack thereof) as you are with yours. Why not ask me first what *I* believe? Why not show an interest in what’s interesting to me instead of expecting me to always be interested in what YOU’RE interested in? Christians are so selfish and self-centered! Tell me – when was the last time an atheist rang your doorbell to tell you about his worldview? The reason the world hates Christians is because they behave badly, they’re rude, boorish, arrogant, conceited, full of themselves, ignorant, and judgmental. Go ahead – accuse me of being judgmental now. Doesn’t matter – I don’t claim to follow a belief system that has actual rules AGAINST being judgmental, so it’s *fine* for me to be!
On Being Unwilling to Develop True Friendships with Non-Christians
As a mother of young children in a homeschooling environment, we found ourselves surrounded by Christians. Of course, the kids would become friends and we moms would chat while they played. Without a single exception, this “acquaintanceship” only progressed to the point that I had to make it clear that no, I would not acceptjesusasmypersonalsavior, and no, I would not be attending their church. Then the Christians never called again, and I was left to explain to my sad children why their new friends wouldn’t be playing with them any more.
When my son was just 6, the boys down the street told him he was not allowed to play with them because he wasn’t a Christian. I went down to see what was going on (because my 4-yr-old daughter was going to go down there and teach those boys a lesson!) and I confirmed that what my son had reported was indeed what they’d said. And the mother of one was right out in the front yard, 25 feet from me, pretending to be very focused on trimming some plants. She never said a word.
Finally, the 6-yr-old girl across the street told my kids, ages 7 and 9, that if they weren’t Christians, they would be going to hell. She certainly learned the “Good News”. And you Christians wonder why we non-Christians avoid you?? HINT: It’s not because we’re intimidated by your awesomeness and are just sitting here, pining for you, wishing you would like us. We already know you don’t.
Your Response?
Frankly, I found these comments painfully true for many of us. Though my first reaction was one of defensiveness, the more I read them, the more I realize that this women has identified many of us Christians too clearly.
What do you think? What is your response?
Posted on June 15, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
More from Thom
303 Comments
This definitely made me think more about my motive in sharing more than anything. There is danger too in being paralyzed by fear of rejection, not wanting to impose, and being worried about offending. We have to remember that there will be times when we love and build relationships with our unbelieving friends and they may still reject us and our invitation. They may still feel imposed upon and offended. It isn’t only the self-righteous, poorly timed evangelistic attempts that get this response. I read a stat that said %80 of unbelievers say they would go to church if they were just invited. I found this article challenging and helpful, but I still wonder if our problem is not about offending when we evangelize, but rather not evangelizing because we are worried of offending. Both failures are rooted in loving ourselves more than we love our lost neighbor.
Ouch – thanks for sharing this
I had the ouch moment as well Carol.
Thank you, Dr. Rainer. This post could not have come at a better time. I recently stepped into a new ministry and noticed that my students, for the most part, have grown up in church with the same people surrounding them their entire lives. They hang together at church, at school, and everywhere else. Most of them do not know any unbelievers. We are beginning a series on the Great Commission and some portions of Acts. This post will be helpful to me as I prepare to communicate what it means to live missionally with love and wisdom toward those outside of the faith.
Thanks for the encouraging words Jared, and God’s blessings in your new ministry.
Wow. I often fall very short in this area, but do have a few things on my heart regarding the topic.
Sincere relationships are what gives us permission to exhort and build each other up in love and to share the wonders and mysteries of the gospel with unbelievers.
When I get confused about what the bible expects of me regarding righteousness or about where and with whom I should be spending my time, I “run to the red ink”.
Jesus got the most grief about forming relationships with sinners and tax collectors. In fact, a couple of the very few times it is recorded that he was angry and made harsh comments, he spoke to this very issue.
The church has placed itself before and above the very people it is supposed to be ministering to. That sounds like a wild generalization, I know. Sure, there are glimmers of hope here and there; but overall, how are we doing in Western Europe and North America? And, what are we going to do about it?
When we avoid forming authentic relationships with the people God places in front of us, we cheapen the value of Jesus’ sacrifice. When we fail to be a friend to those who need the ultimate Friend, we are silently agreeing with those who stand in opposition to Christ.
We can do this Church! Let’s start today. Invite someone over for pizza. Help a neighbor with their yard work. (insert your idea here). Nothing heavy, just “show” some Christ like love without judgement, hesitation or reservation. I promise, though it’s not my promise to give, that over time God will create an opportunity for you to point to Jesus and the cross.
“You” are the light of the world……
Matthew 5:14
Good admonition Jonathon.
I see this as a partial problem of people thinking that sharing the Gospel equates to inviting someone to Church. James Boccardo has a great book called, “Unsilenced,” perfect for jr. highers all the way to college profs, on sharing the Gospel. In a few words, *you* share the Gospel, have apologetics in your back pocket if needed, then get back to the Gospel!
Oh Father, forgive me for my part in this. Amen.
Could it be that we are so unprepared to defend our faith and beliefs that we close ourselves off from conversations about others’ beliefs out of fear? That’s certainly not our calling! What has happened to us as the body of Christ being the proof of His love?
Btw, I’m sure you don’t remember me, but I sang in the choir at First Baptist Church Mt. Washington when you were the interim. I enjoyed your time with us and enjoy following your tweets!
Hey Stacy –
FBC Mt. Washington was a blessing for me, not the least of which was my oldest son finding his wife there!
Thank you for this post Dr. Rainer. It is fortuitous timing because I began to see that my own personal evangelism was not serving God, but serving myself. It became quota-oriented goals, not an interest in the person. This attitude revealed that evangelism was merely works based; something to add to my own resume, rather than adding someone to the Kingdom. In speaking with other believers, they reflected the same sentiment. The basis for our witness should be founded on a love for people and love for God. Unfortunately, this type of evangelism is taught in SBC seminaries and pulpits; although, I don’t want to place the entire blame on one party. However, the pendulum should not swing to the other side and we completely abandon evangelism, which is the common tendency. Effective witnessing should be very personal and relational. I’m sure you remember when Penn Jillette (the illusionist from Penn & Teller) advocated for “proselytizing” because it was consistent with one’s beliefs and worldviews even though he is an atheist. And the account he gave of an audience member who passed on a Bible after a show was highly personal and intimate. Penn respected the Christian because he 1.) lived according to his beliefs and 2.) demonstrated respect and concern for Penn. I believe churches have emphasized the former and completely omitted the latter. This oversight has led to impersonal evangelism.
Eric –
Great word. My favorite quote from you: “The basis for our witness should be founded on a love for people and love for God.”
This is very much how I tend to perceive approaches from would-be witnesses. I’ve read several posts in which people (believers) have expressed the desire to witness through ‘show’ rather than ‘tell’ and I’d personally have a lot more respect for someone whose life expressed the spirit of their religious belief as opposed to attempting to fill that quota. The Christians I’ve remembered with fondness were those who actually cared about other people; the ones who appeared to express the legalistic, judgemental and relentless and cultish urge to convert were, honestly, kind of a pain in the ass. Not people I respected or would want know.
Salafrance –
I would love to interview you for this blog. We Christians could learn much from you. Are you open?
Hi Thom,
Thank you for expressing an interest in my views. I’d be inclined to politely question your assertion that you could learn from me, though. I suspect that I share many of my attitudes with those of a sizeable subset of the atheist population, but in other respects I’m not very typical of the rest of the human race. I’m actually very introverted, and view myself as a witness to the bustle of human activity rather than a direct participant. Whilst I care deeply about the fate of the human race, I don’t see myself as having much part in it, or any power to change things for the better. Also, people need to share a sizeable conceptual landscape for mutual communication to be possible – I honestly think I’m just too different for my world view to make much sense to the majority of people.
Kind regards,
S.
S –
I respectfully disagree with your assessment of your potential contribution, but I certainly respect your decision to decline the interview. I will run a post tomorrow that has excerpts of comments from non-Christians. One of the excerpts is yours, but I am not providing names.
Let me thank you for your willingness to engage us evangelical Christians. I know we seem like a strange lot, and most of us are. I do hope you will have the opportunity to meet more Christians who actually act like the teachings of Christ.
I am married to a non believer
We’ve been happily married for 28 years and although I have prayed for him every day for years my efforts to love him through Christ have continually been hampered by the church family.
They mean well but after several very uncomfortable situations in a church setting he no longer wishes to attend any church events with me.
It’s important that we as Christians recognize that Jesus is a relational loving Savior.
Evangelism is as much about loving someone even when it’s hard or they are different or they don’t believe like we do as it is about telling the story of Christs Love for us.
Thanks Danita. My prayers for you and him.
Hello, Dr. Rainer,
I must say the thought that came to my mind as I was reading this was, ok, so this young woman didn’t like the way Christians behave, which is too bad. But why on earth would I let a non-Christian tell me how to be a Christian?
The fact is, we are supposed to share our faith as much as we can, and if this woman doesn’t like it, fine, but that doesn’t mean we should stop because she says so. And I guess she doesn’t like the fact that Christians are wary to build a close bond with a lost person, again, I can see why she doesn’t like it, but the Bible says that we should not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. And consider the churches you’ve pastored, would you have ever told your members to form close bonds with unbelievers? Maybe you would, but I doubt it.
I wish this weren’t the case, but the Bible tells us that the world hates Christ, and that hatred will be felt by us. Matthew 10:22
Dr. Rainer, this has become my favorite blog, and your podcast is the one I look forward to more than all others, but if the point of this post is that we should follow this woman’s advice, I couldn’t disagree more.
Tom –
The point of the post is not to agree, but to listen. That is the purpose of contextualization as advocated by the Apostle Paul. That is why missionaries are trained before they go — to understand the culture they seek to evangelize.
Blessings friend.
Mr. Estes, with all due respect, you sound a bit defensive in your response…and honestly, I felt myself feeling a bit defensive when I started reading her comments, but she’s right. Too many times we as Christians witness because it’s “what we’re supposed to do”…not out of an overflow of the love and grace we’ve been given. If we truly share out of a heart that is overflowing with the love of Jesus…we won’t be so concerned about whether they “pray a prayer”…we will share and they may or may not hear…but God is ultimately the one who gives salvation, not us. When we truly grasp that…pride ceases to be a part of our witnessing.
Sad but so so often true. Completely true. Yet, she reads your blog. Hmm… Interesting to ponder why. Anyways, John has co-workers who, while yes, most everyone knows he is a Christian, he never ever really talks about faith with. I have a good friend, who of course knows I go to church on Sundays, I never ever talk faith with. I don’t have the relationship capital to do so, and it doesn’t ever come up naturally. I have wondered, when life for all of us is all said and done, will my friend and John’s co-workers shake their fists at us and demand to know why we weren’t more outspoken and pushy about Jesus because He is the most important thing. Do we minor on only the minors? How do we genuinely, with true love, share our faith with our friends and family? I grew up in the era of EE and the Roman’s Road. Great programs and methods, but rarely relational. I try not to seek relationships based on a person’s need for Christ or lack of one. I try to just have friends. I pray for them. I pray that the opportunity to speak will come. Until then, I just love. Funny thing though, one of John’s co-workers was let go. It was a long time in the making. He was a very contentious man to deal with, and John had gone round and round with him many times. Yet, on his last day, John stopped by to wish him well. The man spent the next hour telling John how much he admired him, and that his consistent love for others and lifestyle choices made him want to be a better person and to realize that faith can make a difference. He said John was the most “real” person he had ever met. He thanked John for showing him that Jesus might actually be worth considering. John had no idea he had made that type of impact. That coworker is now investigating Christ. God works, even when we keep our mouths shut. Thanks for sharing and reminding us that love means investing authentically in others. Amy
Thanks Amy. I love hearing about John. Tell him I said thank you for representing Christ well.
This is a sad truth.. and very convicting. I think we should remember that all of us were once non-believers. and people are people. not projects.. we can’t walk around saying we care and we love everyone just because we’re suppose to. that kind of love can only come from encountering Jesus on a daily basis… wake up church! Unfortunately there would probably be more christians if it weren’t for some Christians.
Well said Laurie.