{"id":787733,"date":"2022-10-07T05:00:43","date_gmt":"2022-10-07T10:00:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/churchanswers.com\/?p=787733"},"modified":"2022-10-31T13:12:02","modified_gmt":"2022-10-31T18:12:02","slug":"what-your-pastors-wife-wish-you-knew","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/churchanswers.com\/blog\/what-your-pastors-wife-wish-you-knew\/","title":{"rendered":"What Your Pastor\u2019s Wife Wish You Knew"},"content":{"rendered":"

October is Pastor\u2019s Appreciation Month, and as we celebrate the shepherds that God has blessed us with, we also have the opportunity to celebrate and encourage the woman who serves alongside him. We all have different roles and titles that we are known for. Some of us are CEOs, some stay at home moms, some coaches, and others of us are caregivers and teachers. Out of all the different seasons of life and titles I\u2019ve had, none get quite the reaction as to when I share that I am a \u201cPastor\u2019s Wife.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

As a pastor\u2019s wife of almost 20 years I have learned the unique privilege and weight that comes with being married to a minister and pastor. It truly is one of my deepest joys and yet there comes with it a unique struggle as I see God grow and deepen His bride and my own walk with Him.<\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>I surveyed a group of pastor\u2019s wives for their thoughts on ministry and marriage in their unique experiences. Whether they serve in a rural context or an urban sprawl or live in the hills of California or high rise of New York, their responses are marked with similarity and most importantly a heart for the Lord. <\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>What Your Pastor\u2019s Wife Wish You Knew:<\/b><\/p>\n

1) I often feel inadequate and I\u2019m the first to tell you I\u2019m not perfect.<\/b><\/p>\n

The fish bowl is a real part of ministry which means that our lives are on display, both the good and the not so pretty. Help remind her of the abundant grace that God has for her in her successes and her failures.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m just like you! My house isn\u2019t spotless, my kids are wild, and my shoes may or may not match \u2014 each other or my outfit. Invite me anyways! I wanna get to know y\u2019all outside of these walls. Here\u2019s a front seat to my crazy, and I want a front row seat to yours. I wanna cheer you on when you\u2019re rocking it, and I want to lift you up when it\u2019s all falling apart. I truly want to be a part of your village!\u201d<\/span><\/i>
\n<\/span><\/i>
\n<\/span><\/i>\u201c<\/span><\/i>I may or may not be like your previous pastor’s wife. Allow me to find ‘my place of service’ using the desires, talents, and abilities God has given me.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cI struggle with discouragement. I smile, love, and encourage others while deep down I am more discouraged than ever. But through the prayers for someone else, God himself encourages me.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cI wish you knew that I’m not my husband’s secretary and that I will probably forget to tell him something. And that you have no idea how hard it is to live in a fishbowl, much less parent in one.\u201d<\/span><\/i>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>2) I\u2019ve been hurt by the Church, and still deeply love her.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

Some of my deepest wounds have come from people in my church. Gossip, conflict, and even betrayal have all been deeply painful experiences of ministry. For a minister their friends, jobs, and church are all tied to the same people, and this can often lead to deep feelings of loss and the feeling of being discarded or expendable. Help to protect her, encourage her, and be a safe place for her to heal.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen someone leaves our church it is hard not to take it personally. It stings when you leave and leaves me questioning my value and relationships.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cIt is heavy to carry or watch my husband carry your burdens and sins, but it truly is a great joy and honor for me to pray for you and celebrate God\u2019s victories in your life. I love to hear how sermons, classes, events, or other Christians have encouraged and helped you grow in your faith.\u201d<\/span><\/i>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201cThe pastor and his wife love every single person in the church; God fills us with love for these people. This isn\u2019t just a job. It is a lifestyle of looking at this group of people, helping them grow, get through life, and love Christ.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cI wish you knew how much I love each one of you. I pray for you. I love hearing about your grandchild\u2019s birthday and your son\u2019s new job. It brings me joy to have the opportunity to encourage you.\u201d<\/span><\/i>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>3) My sole identity isn\u2019t being a pastor\u2019s wife, but your sister in Christ.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

Your pastor\u2019s wife is your sister in Christ and a volunteer church member. She doesn\u2019t have all the answers to what is going on, and she is probably serving in many ways both behind the scenes and out front. Make sure to not add a list of expectations that you wouldn\u2019t place on any other church member. Champion how God is using her in your church family.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI’m just one person, I can’t do it all. I’m lonely. Sundays are the most exhausting day of the week. When you leave the church, it hurts every time.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cI wish people knew how much I wish I could minister beside my husband on days other than Sundays. I hold down a full-time job and I am not available for ladies Bible study on Tuesday mornings or to make hospital visits during the week. I provide our insurance through my job and cannot quit to be his ministry partner full time. I only get 2 weeks of time off a year including sick time. I can\u2019t be in every meeting or on every team. My plate is so full, but I do wish I could!<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you hire a new pastor, remember \u2014 you hired him, not me. I want to serve you too, but 1) I must serve my husband and children first or he will not be able to serve you; 2) I might not be gifted in serving the same way your last pastor\u2019s wife served.\u201d<\/span><\/i>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>4) The isolation I feel is often the hardest.<\/b><\/p>\n

Even after almost 20 years of serving in ministry, this one is the hardest still. Relationships are hard. I\u2019ve often felt like I am helping to create the community and safe place for everyone else, while never getting to have it for myself. Know that your pastor\u2019s wife struggles with what to share, who is safe, and how to trust those around her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI struggle most on holidays when I see you all gathered with your families while I am far from mine because of our obligation to the church. It has been years since we spent a Christmas Eve or Easter with our families.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m often overlooked or it is assumed that I have many friendships. I would love to join in on a girls night. It means so much if you ask and include me, and even if I can\u2019t make it, please try again next time.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cThe loneliness is so true. So many keep you at arms length, not allowing you to get too close for fear you might judge the “real” them. In reality, most of us just want friendship like any other woman.\u201d<\/span><\/i>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>5) When you intentionally love my husband and kids, I feel loved.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

The encouraging notes, text messages with prayers, and the lobby conversations asking my kids how their sports game went and telling them that you are proud of them mean the WORLD to us. Yes, ministry is hard sometimes, but there are so many ways that our family gets to see God working and moving in and through you. Being the hands and feet of Jesus to the pastor\u2019s family helps to remind us of God\u2019s care and faithfulness in our own lives. <\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n<\/span>\u201cI wish people knew that ministry life for our kids can often be isolating. When your kids exclude my kids it hurts. This can lead to them always feeling \u201cin between\u201d and never feeling as though they belong.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span><\/i>Please adopt my children, it\u2019s hard being far away from family.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cI wish the church knew how relieved I am when kindness and love is shown towards my child.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cI so appreciate the words of encouragement; I appreciate it even more when you take the time to encourage my husband.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cYou are our family too and so your kind words, sharing a meal, and honoring our time together as a family makes us feel seen, valued, and appreciated.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sure there are other things your pastor\u2019s wife could add to this list and so why not use this as a springboard to ask her how you can best encourage her in this season? Write a note of encouragement, find out her favorite dessert and swing it by her house, watch her kids for a date night, or buy her a cup of coffee. Your intentionality and encouragement will be a balm and fresh breath to weary hearts.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"October is Pastor\u2019s Appreciation Month, and as we celebrate the shepherds that God has blessed us with, we also have the opportunity to celebrate and encourage the woman who serves alongside him. We all have different roles and titles that we are known for. 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She holds a bachelor's degree in Biblical Studies and Ministry to Women from Criswell College, and a Master of Arts in Theological Studies from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Connect with Jacki on Twitter and Instagram at @JackiCKing","url":"https:\/\/churchanswers.com\/blog\/author\/jackiking\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/churchanswers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/787733","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/churchanswers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/churchanswers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/churchanswers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/15079"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/churchanswers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=787733"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/churchanswers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/787733\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":787739,"href":"https:\/\/churchanswers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/787733\/revisions\/787739"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/churchanswers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/787737"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/churchanswers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=787733"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/churchanswers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=787733"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/churchanswers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=787733"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}